Joshua Charlie Tout

* In Loving Memory *
~ Joshua Charlie Tout ~
Born sleeping on the 21st June 2008 at 1:00am (24 weeks + 2 days)
Loved and missed more than any words could ever explain.

Baby of Rachel Tout and Robert Houlden

I had the feeling I might be pregnant as I felt more sick and tired than normal. I got a test did it
in my bathroom, shortly after went to look it said in black letters 'pregnant'. I nearly jumped for
joy I was shocked but soooo excited. First scan was fine .. second scan was fine - it was a boy!! I
was so happy and couldn't wait I was half way through, I had bought him clothes, bottles, a monitor,
ordered pushchair, started thinkin how to do his nursery, even started to plan for the future.

I was fine on the Tuesday 17th all day (23 weeks 5 days gestation). I had been laying with my
boyfriend in his room at mine and didn't feel anything untoward. When I went up to bed just before
12 I felt like I needed the toilet so I tryed to go. This is when something wasn't right. (Sorry
graphic) It felt like something big was pushing into the wall of my bum from my vagina. I gently put
my finger to my vagina to see what it had and I felt a bulge of something. Being 17 and it being my
first pregnancy I just imagined it to be something swollen, until I looked in a mirror to see and
saw something that looked black at the surface. I knew something wasn't right but had no clue what
it was, I explained it to my mum but she had never naturally go into labour so had no idea what it
could be. My boyfriend and mum finally convinced me around 12 to go to the hospital. It was only
when we were nearly there that my stomach started hurting slightly. I went to A&E and they sent me
to delivery ward. It took ages to be examined! As it was a really busy night. My pains started
getting so bad I was throwing myself around the bed trying to get comfy, I was being sick (probably
nerves), it was awful. When they finally examined me they said I was in labour - 4cm dilated. How
could I be in labour?! I wasn't even 24 weeks through?
They put me into a bigger delivery room. They decided to put me on a drip to stop my labour. I was
in hospital till Friday. Wasn't allowed to move. I wasn't too scared, my mum and boyfriend were with
me alot, I had midwives in and out all the time. I was having all sorts of injections and
antibiotics, always having blood taken, blood pressure and temperature taken. Doctors kept coming in
and going on about a stitch they could give me to stop my labour although there was a chance it
would go wrong and I'd go into labour. I wasn't sure whether I fancied the chances. Finally on
Friday I decided against it. I wanted to give my little man the best chance which I thought was to
leave it to fate. And oh did 'fate' appear. Before I had chance to tell them I didn't want it my
midwife had taken my temperature and blood pressure. This is where my hell started. My temperature
was double, blood pressure was through the roof. Doctor came in and said I had an infection, a life
threatening infection and they had no choice but to but me on a different drip to 'induce' labour. I
was so horrified, 'there's no going back'. I had been reading about his chances and had thought they
were slim but maybe he would be a lucky one. They examined me, I was 9cm dilated - I had been in
labour pretty much all day and hadn't felt a thing. I think that was my bodies way of saying Joshua
needs to be out, which is why drip had stopped working. He was in the right position, maybe
everything would be okay?
I chose to use gas and air. I'd had enough injections. I couldn't have my water birth as I had
wanted. It wasn't too bad the contractions, the gas and air made me feel like I was floating on air.
When it came to pushing I couldn't use it. I was pushing and pushing through the contractions and as
he felt like he was coming my contraction stopped. Then they told me he was trying to come out
shoulder first, this couldn't be good. She had to cut me, to help his chances. He finally came out,
I then noticed how many people were in the room, they took him straight over to the neo-natal
doctors. I hadn't even realised he hadn't made a noise. It all felt so surreal, I almost forgot
Joshua was fighting for his life. It was then I felt like my heart had been ripped out, 'I'm really
sorry Rachel'. But I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. Some of the people went out and they gave Joshua to
me, he was so perfect, so beautiful. He just looked as though he was sleeping. My mum had gone out
of the room during labour and she came back in, Rob had gone out for a cigarette and had told her, I
had my stitches with my mum holding my hand and she was crying and I just shook my finger at her.
When Rob (his daddy and my other half) came back in I gave Joshua to him because I felt really sick.
I tryed to be sick but my stitches pulled really hard so I couldn't.
They moved me to the Snowdrop Suite (for parents who had lost their child). It was so quite. They
had taken Joshua to clean him up and dress him. My wonderful midwife brought him into us. He was so
perfect, there he was right infront of me, my gorgeous gorgeous baby boy. I felt such a surge of
love and pride. The midwife had said he never took a breathe. He weighed 1 pound 11 ounces and had
fair blonde hair. I got to hold him and didn't want to put him downm. I kept tight hold of his hand.
I loved spending time with him/
I had text quite a few people to let them know, especially the people from work and home that knew I
was in hospital and why. From Saturday morning, about 4 hours later till about Sunday night I had
100's and 100's of texts. And a fair few calls which I didn't pick up as I couldn't talk to anyone.
My dad came on Saturday night, it was the first time I saw him cry. We took so many pictures of
Joshua, so many, I never wanted to forget even though I knew I never would. Till Sunday afternoon
was a blur, I had the all clear and decided to leave. They gave me my blue box and I got ready, into
my maternity jeans and maternity top. I remember as I left the room I passes my baby to the midwife
and said 'please please look after him'. As I walked out cuddling my blue box, I saw some of the
midwives that had looked after me looking at me with tears in ntheir eyes. I started crying once
again, I felt like I hadn't stopped. I got home and my cat came and clicked on my stomach and I said
to her 'No Katie, there's no one there anymore' and she just looked at me and then came and sat on
my knee. The funeral was the following Thursday, it was so hard the week or so inbetween, I couldn't
believe my precious baby boy that I wanted so much was gone. And I couldn't hold him again.
The funeral was really beautiful, I was so happy that he got the best send-off I could give.
To today, I have my good and bad days, I cryed the whole time writing this, its the first time I
told my whole story. Hope you didn't get bored. I really miss him and love him with all my heart but
my little angel is happy and is watching down on his Mummy and Daddy and I know that. I will NEVER
forget him.
He was just the most perfect baby boy ever and he was honestly so gorgeous. Not just me being
biased. We got too spend lots of time with him after and he just looked like a little angel sleeping
and as if he would wake and cry at any moment. It gave me comfort to be able to hold my baby boy in
my arms and tell him 'i love you'
Words can not express my pain right now but im very proud to say im
a mummy and always will be, youll never find me sayin i have no
children and he will always be counted as my first child.
Im sure right now hes up in heaven playing with all the other little angels and hes watching over
me.
We had a beautiful service at St Johns Church at 12:00pm on Thursday 3rd July and then went on to
Yeadon Cemetery at 1:00pm for his burial.
RIP Sweetie, Mummy and Daddy love you lots and lots xxx

xx Rachel & Joshua (up with the angels) xx



*** To Joshua Charlie Tout x ***
By Rachel Louise Tout (Mummy)

Sometimes I feel decent,
Sometimes I feel low,
Sometimes I feel like theres no one to talk to,
And like theres nowhere to go.

Sometimes I think about pregnancy,
Sometimes I think of your face,
Sometimes I cry my heart out for you,
But I know you're in a better place.

Sometimes I don't wanna move,
Sometimes I can't sit still,
Sometimes I feel I can't talk about you,
But I know I always will.

Sometimes I call you my little angel,
Sometimes my little star,
Sometimes I feel you couldn't be further away,
But I know that you're never far.

Sometimes I could shout and scream and cry,
Sometimes I just can't explain,
Just can't really explain what I'm feeling,
This everlasting pain.

Sometimes I pray to God to help,
Sometimes I turn to you,
Sometimes I talk to you about everything,
Because I just don't know what to do.

As I sat here writing this poem,
It brought a tear to my eye,
I miss you so much it's unheard of,
I'm not sure if I ever won't cry.

So my Joshua Charlie I love you,
You'll always be in my heart,
And even as much as I miss you dearly,
I know we'll never be apart.



*** From The Moment ***
By Rachel Louise Tout (Mummy)

From the moment that I saw you,
I could tell that your were mine,
You looked like your Mummy and you Daddy,
And I wish we had more time.

More time to get to know you,
More time to see your face,
More time to see you grow up,
But this wasn’t the case.

I wish you hadn’t left,
I wish that you were here,
I wish this hadn’t happened,
But you were so brave and had no fear.

I think of you in the day time,
I think of you at night,
I think of you in wind and rain,
I think of you when the sun shines so bright.

I know that you’re in heaven,
And it’s better than where we are,
And even though it could seem worlds apart,
I know we’re never far.

I’ll remember you on your birthday,
I’ll remember you forever,
I’ll remember you until the end of my time,
Until we are together.

I’ll love you everyday,
Whether I’m at home or out,
I’ll love you and miss you all the time,
My darling son Joshua Charlie Tout.